By Stephanie Mann
Inside my self-there was a map that was locked with a key, a dramatic type of mystery, because none owes me. I had no idea where to start looking for this key, nor did I know when and if I were to use it what would be waiting on the map for me to see. This complicated things a bit, found that I had become a bit preoccupied looking for any evidence that this key really existed, a path to get to the other side of me. Like a large country with mountain ranges, lakes, rivers and valleys, my personal terrain had not yet been chopped up in deliberate categories. I started in the center of me in the place between my heart and my stomach, that would be my lungs, trying to breathe. Catching my breath from the long distance that I walked searching for the route to the other side of me. Heartbreak taught me that I was real, it was so deep when I realized there was nowhere to go with the things that seemed to surreal, complicated, things hurt that had no physical injury, my path seemed to become mucked up with a feeling of not being good enough to love without my heart breaking, tears became common place, I would wake up with Billie, singing, “good morning heartache, you old gloomy sight, “good morning heartache thought we said good-bye last, I tossed and turned until, it seemed you were gone, but here you are with the dawn, the melody to that song, played on my heartstrings for weeks that turned into months, my phony smile as a front to passersby as there are some that to glance, when they walk bye. Trying not to stare so much in one eyes, trying to take me back, but I just wanted to default and cry, because the salt of the tears would mix with my hidden fears, that I would never be good enough…. But good enough for what??? Had I measured my worth with the balance of dirt as it would totter on the scale, did I get my understanding relying only on my sense of smell, was I limited to a fraction of my ability? Is it even possible for anyone to touch me and find that I am real, and look into my eyes into my soul to decode my hidden seal?
With questions my key carved right in front of me, with more question I started to see the grooves become more and more defined for me. I realized that time and distance have no meaning without the right questions, the right questions that would provide the answers that I need. To be able to reach the other side of me. The side where I knew this part of the movie, the ah hah moment where things reach a type of synchronicity. Where the soul finds sustenance, and can finally grow and be unfiltered by others taste so specific and tailor made for me. So then I grew and grew so many ways, I would never have known to really love yourself you must asked questions, they are like breadcrumbs for the soul.